I really find it enticing- the fact that someone can stand on the outside, peer in, and see something entirely different than the person on the inside, looking out. My friends and family tell me they saw something a part of my life as a negative, when all I ever did was disagree, churning it positive in my mind. I told myself over and over again that we were different, I made myself believe. Remove the biased oculars and we were no different at all.
"And you sat sidelined? For all of that?"
"I know. I know."
I’m an enabler, it’s what I do. I’ve only ever looked for the light in people, ignorant to their darkness. I believe that everyone deserves a first chance with kindness, respect, hospitality, etc. This has left me seeming innocent, gullible to a fault. Its gotten me into trouble; danger easily finding me. However, I will always believe a person is good, no matter how evil their actions brand them.
About two years ago I tried to save something. I’m a saver. I’m always trying to save people, save feelings, save memories, salvage relationships. Two years ago I destroyed something. No, not something- someone. I destroyed
and even worse, I destroyed myself for someone else. I was superwoman. I was one bad-ass Bitch. I was bossy, motivated, aspirational, powerful, stubborn, icy- a true force to recon with. I was a stone, you couldn’t reach my heart with a jack hammer. The walls were so high- guaranteeing my pursuers an impossible climb. And I loved that about myself because I knew that it meant I was destined for nothing less than the ultimate greatness. But then I fell in love. myself
"A wise girl kisses but doesn’t love, listens but doesn’t believe, and
leaves before she is left.” Then she went and fucked it all up.
You know how they always tell you- “don’t change yourself for a man”? I hadn’t planned on it.
I fell in love, but it wasn’t a love to be taken lightly. It wasn’t lust and it hadn’t stemmed from a one night stand. It wasn’t a lie or put on for dishonest intentions. This was real, I-found-the-one love, for both parties. But over time, my walls, my motivations, my work ethics, my strength taxed my new lover. He couldn’t deal as the things that once attracted him to me became things he now detested. Choosing work over shooting the shit with his friends, choosing sleep for a final the next day over drinks at the bar. All of these decisions, these choices I made for my career and my dreams, but he only saw them as priorities proving him not to be one of mine. (Ionically the tables turn in the end yet he is not what I am. Not a saver nor an enabler.)
It wasn’t until the day he left, that I changed. It was like a switch, so easy and THAT SUDDEN.
Its amazing what the heart will do to save something. I changed completely. I was suddenly a beggar and a pleader. My walls- they came
crashing down. I stopped my work, I gave up my sleep, and became a lesser, damsel-in-destress victim- just the girl he thought he wanted. Until he didn’t want that either.
So suddenly I didn’t know who to be. The strong, untouchable female was wrong. The weak, needy damsel was wrong. What was I to become for him to love me again but an empty shell, desperate to be filled with exactly what he wanted? Which of course, he didn’t even know.
I think back a lot now, to what I could’ve been if I had never met him. Kept moving forward,
RELENTLESS and unstoppable. What could I have had now almost three year later? Damn would I have made it by now? Been successful by now? Doing the thing I LOVE for a living by now?
I wished, wished, wished I had never met him. Until I realized what I would never have gained
if I . HADNT met him
I remember one night, one of many in the very beginning, when we were together, around his table, playing games, drinking and having a good laugh. I remember I went to use the bathroom. I washed my hands and stood up straight, checking myself in his mirror. I’ll never forget this- I paused and took in fully that
I was finally I couldn’t believe it, I was so happy and I was so thankful that I held my hand to the ceiling and said thank you! At the time I was looking up to God and THANKING HIM. I couldn’t believe what he had finally brought to me. This man, the one man to do this to me: shatter the ice, make my heart flutter, show me happy. TRUE LOVE. Proving this ridiculous notion was a real thing. It was the greatest gift, I thought.
Now, in the present, none of it was enough. Ah if only love was really all you needed. But it’s not.
I was taken for granted, I was ignored, I was left behind. I sat “sidelined.”
I support you, I’m here for you, whatever you want, you you YOU.
I gave up
everything for you and it wasn’t enough?
I haven’t decided if it was all worth it yet, by the way. Was it really
better t o have loved and lost than to never have loved at all?
give me a minute to think.