November 14, 2013


happiness

I haven’t blogged on here for a long time,

Mainly because when I do blog and vent, it’s come from a darker place, from my depression, or anxiety. And lately- I haven’t had any.

I have been recovering from Depression for about 2 years now, and I can say that I’ve finally reached a point where I feel like I’ve beat it.  Sure Depression will always be there. I really feel like once you’ve had it, you’re always at higher risk for a spell.  But right now I’m happy. Not always but mostly happy :) I also believe that my eating disorders are gone.  Yes, don’t know if I’ve bluntly written it out before, but I have suffered from poor body image and Binge eating disorder- all spurring from my depression.  I don’t binge anymore.  In fact I find myself rarely even thinking about food- because my tummy growls and I’m like- Oh yeah, food. I also workout a lot more, releasing those insanely healthy endorphins. Keeps me in check with food too because I need to fuel my metabolism and remember not to slow it down whether that entails over eating or starvation.  

People ask me now how I’m doing. How my life is.  Lately my answer has been “great in some areas, shitty in others.” But I never let the shittiness over power my good areas. Because truthfully, I’m happy in EVERY area BUT my finances… my finances are shit. So, if I let myself dwell on my finances, I’ll be depressed. If I let myself dwell on my current job situation. I’ll be depressed. I’m not acting for a living. YET. And thats where my happiness comes in, and makes this month stand out above the past.  Finally I’ve been feeling the hunger to follow my dreams more than ever.  I’m writing, creating, and working now to take my next steps.  My life starts with me and what I put into it. And because I’m happy I really believe that.

Anyways- here’s to the next days, continued without depression and unhappiness. :)

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August 13, 2013


the hole in your heart

Does it ever go away?  No, I don’t think it does. Not for me, it hasn’t - has gone on for eleven years. But it changes though. How? I don’t know… the weight of it, I guess. At some point, it becomes bearable. It turns into something that you can crawl out from under and carry around like a brick in your pocket. And you even forget it, for a while. But then you reach in for whatever reason and - there it is. Oh right, that. Which could be aweful - not all the time. Not that you’d like it exactly, but it’s what you’ve got instead of your son. So, you carry it around. And it doesn’t go away. Which is… Which is what? Fine, actually.”

When I was 19, I lost my best friend. It was sudden.  I was helpless.  I remember so vividly, the feeling of something being completely ripped from me. Leaving this gaping hole in my body, my stomach, my heart. I cried myself to sleep for a few weeks. I took those 45 minutes showers, clutching the cold tile wall while the water poured over me, comforting, warm, and soft.  I don’t think I ate anything for a few days. Nothing felt worth it, there was no taste, no satisfaction that could replace what I was missing. My mind swarmed with past times, especially during the first few days. I couldn’t stop obsessing over the moments I’d never have again. Talking to her when no one else would understand, taking endless photographs with her, re-living special times together which could only be found in my private memories. I think the strangest part of my healing process is forgetting what she looks like.  It hit me a little over a year later.  I couldn’t remember the simplest things about her.  How she felt to hold, her voice, her tendencies and little habits. Right now, almost 5 years later, I can’t even picture her at all.  Just some faint, distant shadow of a memory.

But, it does get better. You will never forget how much you loved her, what she did for you, and all that she meant to your life. She may be lost to your touch, but never to your heart. She’ll always be with you, no matter where you go her gaze will follow you. Watching, waiting, loving, and protecting you. 

As for now,

"its okay to be sad. Take your days and do what you need to do. Then lift up your eyes to the wonder of the sky, and know that I loved you too."

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grief loss empathy

June 6, 2013


Friends

I miss my friends… A lot. I miss the nights we used to have. I miss the way you made me feel.  Like I could be myself in my truest form and there was no judgement.  Like I could say the dumbest things and laugh at everything we thought up and you were right there with me.  Its always a shame when a love is lost.  But it doesn’t change the fact that I miss the friendship, and I’d love to find it again.

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April 10, 2013


Heart Vs. Mind

Days are up and down for me. Sometimes I feel like I’m finally happier than I’ve been in the last 6 months. Sometimes I look back and miss the old days and think maybe I’m not strong enough yet. But either way there’s one thing I’ve finally learned and come to fully understand. Your heart will always be right. And your mind will always be wrong. It is the truth of love, beauty, and life itself. 

I remember when I first wanted to tell you that I loved you. There were several moments. One night into the beginning of us I wanted to tell you when I held your hand for the first time, on the beach. Four days in you wanted to tell me you loved me when you bought me a tooth brush for your place and replaced your old sheets with new ones. One week in I told everyone but you that I loved you when some asshole kissed me at the bar. Two weeks in you wanted to tell me you loved me when you burst through the door after work and rushed straight to me with the warmest hug because it’d been a whole 5 hours since we’d seen each other. All of these moment created because we felt something so great and powerful we were unable to form the feelings into words and instead turned them to actions. “Actions speak louder than words” is a saying because actions come from feelings and words come from thought. My brain couldn’t fathom how much I loved you. It couldn’t even begin to contain it. But my heart could.

Before I could think or move my lips to say anything, I could feel it all. Before anyone can ruin their feelings with over thinking them, inhibiting our true nature with hindering thoughts, we can feel.  

And that is why your heart will always be right, and your brain will always be wrong. What you feel is what should be. So before we decide that our thoughts of uncertainty, mistrust, and analysis breed what should and shouldnt be, we must always choose what we feel instead.

To feel is to live. To second guess is to die.

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January 31, 2013


Throw back Thursday:
“Though nothing can bring back the hour of splendor in the grass, glory in the flower, we will grieve not; rather find strength in what remains behind”
I never knew what it truly felt like, even when playing Deanie on the stage.  Who knew I would learn it exactly through my adulthood.  Crazy to think I’ve lived her life out in my own way, years after performing her story.
 

Throw back Thursday:

Though nothing can bring back the hour of splendor in the grass, glory in the flower, we will grieve not; rather find strength in what remains behind”

I never knew what it truly felt like, even when playing Deanie on the stage.  Who knew I would learn it exactly through my adulthood.  Crazy to think I’ve lived her life out in my own way, years after performing her story.

 

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December 10, 2012


November 24, 2012


When you stop you are as empty, and at the same time never empty but filling, as when you have made love to someone you love.

Ernest Hemingway on the pace and routine of writing (via explore-blog)

God he was a good damn writer.

(Source: )

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October 26, 2012


A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.

Oscar Wilde (via aconversationoncool)

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October 12, 2012


Just so you know just so you know
I never thought you’d let me go

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September 29, 2012


MY ROCK.

-Agnus.

209 plays

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September 22, 2012


"The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that’s what you’ve given me."

"The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that’s what you’ve given me."

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August 27, 2012


Love what you do and do what you love. Don’t listen to anyone else who tells you not to do it. You do what you want, what you love. Imagination should be the center of your life.

Ray Bradbury (1920-2012): HERO.

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and when the sea calms, the winds become still, and the storm passes, you will begin to heal.

and when the sea calms, the winds become still, and the storm passes, you will begin to heal.

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August 13, 2012