TAYLER ROXANNE

We should take comfort in knowing that we can have ANYTHING we want. We just have to go and get it! What a feeling it is to know my destiny is in my control, and the measure of my success will stem from how fucking hard I work my ass off :)

Jul 8
solace

I really find it enticing- the fact that someone can stand on the outside, peer in, and see something entirely different than the person on the inside, looking out. My friends and family tell me they saw something a part of my life as a negative, when all I ever did was disagree, churning it positive in my mind. I told myself over and over again that we were different, I made myself believe. Remove the biased oculars and we were no different at all.

"And you sat sidelined? For all of that?"

"I know. I know."

I’m an enabler, it’s what I do. I’ve only ever looked for the light in people, ignorant to their darkness. I believe that everyone deserves a first chance with kindness, respect, hospitality, etc. This has left me seeming innocent, gullible to a fault. Its gotten me into trouble; danger easily finding me. However, I will always believe a person is good, no matter how evil their actions brand them. 

About two years ago I tried to save something. I’m a saver. I’m always trying to save people, save feelings, save memories, salvage relationships. Two years ago I destroyed something. No, not something- someone. I destroyed myself and even worse, I destroyed myself for someone else. I was superwoman. I was one bad-ass Bitch. I was bossy, motivated, aspirational, powerful, stubborn, icy- a true force to recon with.  I was a stone, you couldn’t reach my heart with a jack hammer. The walls were so high- guaranteeing my pursuers an impossible climb. And I loved that about myself because I knew that it meant I was destined for nothing less than the ultimate greatness. But then I fell in love.

"A wise girl kisses but doesn’t love, listens but doesn’t believe, and leaves before she is left.” Then she went and fucked it all up.

You know how they always tell you- “don’t change yourself for a man”? I hadn’t planned on it. 

I fell in love, but it wasn’t a love to be taken lightly. It wasn’t lust and it hadn’t stemmed from a one night stand. It wasn’t a lie or put on for dishonest intentions. This was real, I-found-the-one love, for both parties. But over time, my walls, my motivations, my work ethics, my strength taxed my new lover. He couldn’t deal as the things that once attracted him to me became things he now detested. Choosing work over shooting the shit with his friends, choosing sleep for a final the next day over drinks at the bar. All of these decisions, these choices I made for my career and my dreams, but he only saw them as priorities proving him not to be one of mine. (Ionically the tables turn in the end yet he is not what I am. Not a saver nor an enabler.)

It wasn’t until the day he left, that I changed. It was like a switch, so easy and THAT SUDDEN. click.

Its amazing what the heart will do to save something. I changed completely. I was suddenly a beggar and a pleader. My walls- they came crashing down. I stopped my work, I gave up my sleep, and became a lesser, damsel-in-destress victim- just the girl he thought he wanted. Until he didn’t want that either.

So suddenly I didn’t know who to be. The strong, untouchable female was wrong. The weak, needy damsel was wrong. What was I to become for him to love me again but an empty shell, desperate to be filled with exactly what he wanted? Which of course, he didn’t even know.

I think back a lot now, to what I could’ve been if I had never met him. Kept moving forward, RELENTLESS and unstoppable. What could I have had now almost three year later? Damn would I have made it by now? Been successful by now? Doing the thing I LOVE for a living by now?

I wished, wished, wished I had never met him. Until I realized what I would never have gained if I HADNT met him.

I remember one night, one of many in the very beginning, when we were together, around his table, playing games, drinking and having a good laugh. I remember I went to use the bathroom. I washed my hands and stood up straight, checking myself in his mirror. I’ll never forget this- I paused and took in fully that I was finally happy.I couldn’t believe it, I was so happy and I was so thankful that I held my hand to the ceiling and said thank you! At the time I was looking up to God and THANKING HIM. I couldn’t believe what he had finally brought to me. This man, the one man to do this to me: shatter the ice, make my heart flutter, show me TRUE LOVE. Proving this ridiculous notion was a real thing. It was the greatest gift, I thought. 

Now, in the present, none of it was enough. Ah if only love was really all you needed. But it’s not. 

I was taken for granted, I was ignored, I was left behind. I sat “sidelined.” I support you, I’m here for you, whatever you want, you you YOU.

I gave up everything for you and it wasn’t enough?

I haven’t decided if it was all worth it yet, by the way. Was it really better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all?

give me a minute to think. 

Jul 4
Perspective.

I haven’t blogged on here for a long time,

Mainly because when I do blog and vent, it’s come from a darker place, from my depression, or anxiety. And lately- I haven’t had any.

I have been recovering from Depression for about 2 years now, and I can say that I’ve finally reached a point where I feel like I’ve beat it.  Sure Depression will always be there. I really feel like once you’ve had it, you’re always at higher risk for a spell.  But right now I’m happy. Not always but mostly happy :) I also believe that my eating disorders are gone.  Yes, don’t know if I’ve bluntly written it out before, but I have suffered from poor body image and Binge eating disorder- all spurring from my depression.  I don’t binge anymore.  In fact I find myself rarely even thinking about food- because my tummy growls and I’m like- Oh yeah, food. I also workout a lot more, releasing those insanely healthy endorphins. Keeps me in check with food too because I need to fuel my metabolism and remember not to slow it down whether that entails over eating or starvation.  

People ask me now how I’m doing. How my life is.  Lately my answer has been “great in some areas, shitty in others.” But I never let the shittiness over power my good areas. Because truthfully, I’m happy in EVERY area BUT my finances… my finances are shit. So, if I let myself dwell on my finances, I’ll be depressed. If I let myself dwell on my current job situation. I’ll be depressed. I’m not acting for a living. YET. And thats where my happiness comes in, and makes this month stand out above the past.  Finally I’ve been feeling the hunger to follow my dreams more than ever.  I’m writing, creating, and working now to take my next steps.  My life starts with me and what I put into it. And because I’m happy I really believe that.

Anyways- here’s to the next days, continued without depression and unhappiness. :)

Nov 14
happiness

Does it ever go away?  No, I don’t think it does. Not for me, it hasn’t - has gone on for eleven years. But it changes though. How? I don’t know… the weight of it, I guess. At some point, it becomes bearable. It turns into something that you can crawl out from under and carry around like a brick in your pocket. And you even forget it, for a while. But then you reach in for whatever reason and - there it is. Oh right, that. Which could be aweful - not all the time. Not that you’d like it exactly, but it’s what you’ve got instead of your son. So, you carry it around. And it doesn’t go away. Which is… Which is what? Fine, actually.”

When I was 19, I lost my best friend. It was sudden.  I was helpless.  I remember so vividly, the feeling of something being completely ripped from me. Leaving this gaping hole in my body, my stomach, my heart. I cried myself to sleep for a few weeks. I took those 45 minutes showers, clutching the cold tile wall while the water poured over me, comforting, warm, and soft.  I don’t think I ate anything for a few days. Nothing felt worth it, there was no taste, no satisfaction that could replace what I was missing. My mind swarmed with past times, especially during the first few days. I couldn’t stop obsessing over the moments I’d never have again. Talking to her when no one else would understand, taking endless photographs with her, re-living special times together which could only be found in my private memories. I think the strangest part of my healing process is forgetting what she looks like.  It hit me a little over a year later.  I couldn’t remember the simplest things about her.  How she felt to hold, her voice, her tendencies and little habits. Right now, almost 5 years later, I can’t even picture her at all.  Just some faint, distant shadow of a memory.

But, it does get better. You will never forget how much you loved her, what she did for you, and all that she meant to your life. She may be lost to your touch, but never to your heart. She’ll always be with you, no matter where you go her gaze will follow you. Watching, waiting, loving, and protecting you. 

As for now,

"its okay to be sad. Take your days and do what you need to do. Then lift up your eyes to the wonder of the sky, and know that I loved you too."

Aug 13
the hole in your heart

I miss my friends… A lot. I miss the nights we used to have. I miss the way you made me feel.  Like I could be myself in my truest form and there was no judgement.  Like I could say the dumbest things and laugh at everything we thought up and you were right there with me.  Its always a shame when a love is lost.  But it doesn’t change the fact that I miss the friendship, and I’d love to find it again.

Jun 6
Friends

Days are up and down for me. Sometimes I feel like I’m finally happier than I’ve been in the last 6 months. Sometimes I look back and miss the old days and think maybe I’m not strong enough yet. But either way there’s one thing I’ve finally learned and come to fully understand. Your heart will always be right. And your mind will always be wrong. It is the truth of love, beauty, and life itself. 

I remember when I first wanted to tell you that I loved you. There were several moments. One night into the beginning of us I wanted to tell you when I held your hand for the first time, on the beach. Four days in you wanted to tell me you loved me when you bought me a tooth brush for your place and replaced your old sheets with new ones. One week in I told everyone but you that I loved you when some asshole kissed me at the bar. Two weeks in you wanted to tell me you loved me when you burst through the door after work and rushed straight to me with the warmest hug because it’d been a whole 5 hours since we’d seen each other. All of these moment created because we felt something so great and powerful we were unable to form the feelings into words and instead turned them to actions. “Actions speak louder than words” is a saying because actions come from feelings and words come from thought. My brain couldn’t fathom how much I loved you. It couldn’t even begin to contain it. But my heart could.

Before I could think or move my lips to say anything, I could feel it all. Before anyone can ruin their feelings with over thinking them, inhibiting our true nature with hindering thoughts, we can feel.  

And that is why your heart will always be right, and your brain will always be wrong. What you feel is what should be. So before we decide that our thoughts of uncertainty, mistrust, and analysis breed what should and shouldnt be, we must always choose what we feel instead.

To feel is to live. To second guess is to die.

Apr 10
Heart Vs. Mind
Throw back Thursday:
“Though nothing can bring back the hour of splendor in the grass, glory in the flower, we will grieve not; rather find strength in what remains behind”
I never knew what it truly felt like, even when playing Deanie on the stage.  Who knew I would learn it exactly through my adulthood.  Crazy to think I’ve lived her life out in my own way, years after performing her story.
 
Jan 31

Throw back Thursday:

Though nothing can bring back the hour of splendor in the grass, glory in the flower, we will grieve not; rather find strength in what remains behind”

I never knew what it truly felt like, even when playing Deanie on the stage.  Who knew I would learn it exactly through my adulthood.  Crazy to think I’ve lived her life out in my own way, years after performing her story.

 

"A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world."

- Oscar Wilde (via aconversationoncool)

(via scottycrowe)

Oct 26
Oct 12

Just so you know just so you know
I never thought you’d let me go

Sep 29

MY ROCK.

-Agnus.

(Source: enigma7812)

"The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that’s what you’ve given me."
Sep 22

"The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that’s what you’ve given me."

(Source: simplycomplicated40)

"Love what you do and do what you love. Don’t listen to anyone else who tells you not to do it. You do what you want, what you love. Imagination should be the center of your life."

- Ray Bradbury (1920-2012): HERO.

Aug 27